Confess, I must.

“I was an atrocious student.”

Hmm… Let’s see if the above statement of mine is justifiable. Ranked 28th in 5 AMANAH in the year 2006 (and probably ranked more than the 30th in whole of form 5); Marks for Physics and Chemistry constantly hovering around 50% to 60% despite my father being a (ironically) Chemistry professor; skipping lessons for approximately 1 month and not entering the class at all during the Star NIE competition; preparing for Malaysian Philharmonic Youth Orchestra audition almost 5 hours a day in the midst of internal school examinations; and, if these were not compelling enough to reaffirm the above statement, how about failing my very first Additional Mathematics examination?

If you do not wish to hear from someone like this, don’t read on. I will certainly not write what everyone wishes to hear from a “good student”, because that’s just not me. Instead, I will write something that is really from the real me.

Being conferred the award “Best All-rounder” for class 2006 (which is essentially Valedictorian Class 2006), I can’t help feeling undeserving, primarily because I was not fit to be one.

Academically, I did not excel as well as a class valedictorian should be scoring.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t that atrocious when I first came. I was a remarkable student, and was pretty sure I deserved to be on Dean’s list.

Push the “Rewind button”.

I enrolled in high school, consistently staying on top of the class rank, and had 8As to my credit in the PMR examination. It was during the transition from Form 3 to Form 4, that something happened.

I made a significant decision to embrace a paradigm shift. I decided that good grades were not what I wanted.

But why? Everybody wants good grades, right? And there I was, having the results what most people could only dreamed of, and decided that it is not the most important thing in life anymore.

I had good grades, but hey, I lacked in many areas. I was a laggard in extra co-curricular activities. I did not have great intellectual abilities, I could not analyze things, be critical about important issues, be creative or innovative. I could not be assertive or speak with conviction. I lacked leadership skills, unable to make important decisions. I lacked organization skills, I can’t speak well, I can’t…

I can only conform, that was what I do best. That was the effect of the Malaysian education system on me, and on some of the students too, I hope. The thing is, I barely (read: never) learned anything during my lower secondary academic life despite having good grades. I know how stuff works, but I do not understand how stuff works! I memorized stuffs for the sake of exam, and when I tried to apply the knowledge that I’ve learn to other applications, I simply couldn’t do so. I had experienced a total distortion of the true meaning of learning. I can only admire great inventors from far, who essentially are those who fully utilize their knowledge and understanding to produce great things.

I simply am unfulfilled.

I decided to change, change for the better. I wanted to live a fulfilling academic stint. I wanted to learn in the true way, and bring meaning back to education. Not to mention I wanted to engage in some personal development too, developing myself into someone with vision, firm beliefs, goals, and principles. All these fuelled my desire to engage in stuffs that I like to do. That was a moment of prodigious tentativeness. I did not know what was in store for me in the future as the direct implication of my decision. It was just, the beginning.

I tried my hands on clubs, societies, and competition. It was a sluggish start. Everyone was so outspoken, creative, always ahead; and that intimidated me a lot. Many a time, I dreaded attending the meetings. When I attended meetings, I hardly speak. I was too afraid to do so, not that I did not try. My suggestions were often treated with derision, and that hurt me a lot. I guessed stuffs that I said weren’t very constructive then.

My academic results began to deteriorate. The agony of being excluded from the top-student league where students compared their exam results to develop a preview of who’s first in class and so on, was unbearable. My friends were concerned that I was ruining my very own life. My parents were disappointed, utterly, for their child has turned into a monstrous person who wasn’t diligent anymore.

But still, I persevered. I do not know if all these could change my life, but I do want to take the risk to believe in myself and trust my intuition, that this journey will eventually bear fruits. Belief was all I had.

I summoned my courage to try things out. I trained myself to speak, to search for ideas, to develop creativity, to cultivate eloquence and excellent communication skills. I started reading extensively about Neuro Linguistic Programming, personal development, creativity, innovation, leadership skills, management, and et cetera. I was amazed by my diligence in doing all these. Along the way, I developed an true understanding for the adage “Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration”. I fell many times, but adhere firmly to the belief that success does not come easy without hard work. I sometimes was skeptical of the rightness of my decision, but had somehow learned to trust myself and believe in what I believed in.

In the academic part, I learned in my own way, refused to succumb to what I believed was not the right way to learn. I tried to understand things, and think about it for a very long time, at the same time visualize how what I’ve learned can be applied to real-life. That, I reckoned took away most of my time.

Perhaps the reward for my perseverance and firm belief, I finally rose to the top in societies and clubs. I was the President of the Red Crescent Society, Travel Club, and the Editor-in-Chief of the Editorial Board in the year 2006. I went on to bring changes to the societies and club that I helmed. I knew heading several organizations was my golden opportunity to develop skills that are needed for me to venture into the outside world. It was also then that I realize that I will want to own my very own business someday. Most people began to rest on their laurels once they successfully climbed to the top, as if being the president of this and that is for a mere certificate or to make their resume looks better. I brought changes, and somehow wanted to leave a legacy or mark. I am extremely proud of the changes that I made in the Editorial Board 2006.

I went on to form the team Urban Sapiens to join the Star C4R competition, and won the national competition. The rest is history.

Today, I am the proud owner of confidence. I had many skills that many people only dreamed of (albeit there are still room for improvement.)

The main idea of this article is not to discourage others to abandon their studies. Nor I want to spread my own propaganda or my hidden agenda about the detestable Malaysian education system.

I simply want to say, believe in what you believe in, and never give up what you believe in or let others discourage you.

I believed in myself, and it was because of this, that I won a national competition, won the Best Overall Student Award, being able to articulate ideas and thoughts, discover my true passion, develop my goals, having big dreams and visions, being able to socialize, able to make decisions, having the never-give-up spirit, and most importantly, having firm beliefs and principles.

I now championed for education equality and quality education for all Malaysians, press freedom in the society, and keep myself abreast with the latest development in the country. I dreamed of playing in a big orchestra, owning my own business, et cetera. The skills that I’ve acquired have helped me greatly in my current doings and I believe will aid me a lot in my future endeavors too. Should I not persevere and hold tightly to my belief and defy all attempts to change my view on things, I will probably be known as the guy getting 14A1s and nothing else. I will have no direction in life and will probably answer “See results first la” when being asked about my future plans while waiting for SPM results.

Let me quote Mr. Yap, a high school teacher of mine. “Character is equally important,” referring to an important criterion in selecting the Valedictorian for class 2006. It was this kind of personality and, (I would like to say) defiance to whatever that obstructs my way forward that brought me this award, that gave me the extra edge over other equally, if not more qualified candidates. I am extremely happy that my defiance against all odds paid off and was well-recognized!

Perhaps I didn’t make a wrong choice.

Perhaps, I shouldn’t have confess at all!