Reeling from the harsh realization the sorry state of the violin on which the author plays had disadvantaged him, he was overwhelmed by hatred for his own life for more disadvantages that he soon discovered.

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Eyes on other violinists of the orchestra, it is usually hard for me to pay attention to the position of my fingers on the finger board and the string on which my bow is sweeping across. The tunes are played with jealousy and envy originated from the bowels of my heart. These 13 or 14-year-olds can play better violin than I do. Some had taken the diploma, some had played in famous places. I was caught in an inferiority complex - I have not even started playing the violin when I was of that age.

During a KLPAC concert last week, I was both intrigued and impressed by the piano performances of one of the pianist. Scrutinizing his profile I discovered that he started playing piano at the age of four. I started at the age of THREE. He studied under some of the most famous piano teachers who themselves won competitions and awards while at the same time I took my lessons in a small town music school under some teachers whose names were beyond my recollection. Today he’s 21. I’m 19. He won more than 10 piano competitions, both locally and regionally, while I am a nobody.

I went for the declarative - my personal circumstances had limited myself. I could have attain similar attainments had I been given the chance to be the apprentice of famous teachers, to learn the violin at a younger age, to be able to attend master classes by renowned musicians, to be equipped with better instruments set. I lamented injustice. I questioned why a person’s “wealth-being” is increasingly an important determinant in his/her success.

I despair. I was wrong about the world. I expected tenacity and hard work to contribute to one’s success. I made an effort to practice playing the piano every single day - except I was doing it all alone, without anyone to guide me. While I managed to make some money with this effort that I’ve put in, the Type A person in me felt I could have been further. And when I realized the dollar sign starts coming into the picture, I knew I was wrong about the world.

Shamefully, I blamed fate. I asked why I was born to this family that does not feed me with a silver spoon and a golden fork, buy me a decent violin, get me a better piano, get me top teachers and instruct them to turn me a child prodigy. I sank deeper into the quicksand of despair, knowing that I could not be as competitive as I can be, as competitive as some people out there.

As this feeling of unfulfilment persisted, my conscience chastised me for my lack of gratitude. It plays me the moving pictures of the suffering of the Hmong people in Laos. It captures scenes of maltreatments of foreign maids at my very own home. It replays the voices of my friends who had express admiration for my privilege of attending music lessons, albeit not the ones conducted by famous people.

And I realized, I was lucky.

I wasn’t very fortunate, but I wasn’t too unfortunate too. I am sandwiched in the middle. I shuddered to think I could be born to some other bodies that fell under the “unfortunate” bracket. Birth, is arbitrary. I could have been more unfortunate, but by chances, I narrowly escaped the greater sufferings.

With a heart feeling contrite and repentant, reality and rationalism further reminded me that no matter how much my personal circumstances had became my preoccupation, things will never get better. Unless you bring in ridiculous stuffs like winning a lottery, getting the seeds of the money tree, and discovering that I have links to the British or Brunei royal family. Because some things are beyond my control. We cannot control birth. By chance I ended up in the body of Aaron Lo. That is it. The entire issue of hating myself and blaming my circumstances, hence, does not arise.

Suddenly, the conundrum that shrouded me made way. Like a rainbow that manifests itself after a severe storm. Like the sun that shines after darkness. I cannot control birth, but I can control what to do with the resources showered on me. I can make full use of what I have. I can learn things on my own, with additional effort, determination, hardwork, will, and heart - because these really are the things that are in my hands, that should really be my preoccupation.

I learn to appreciate my existing resources, for I know too well how it felt not having resources showered on the “fortunate” bracket. The fact that I am disadvantaged, will always remind me of the importance of hardwork, conscientiousness, and tenacity, and caution me against mediocrity, complacency, arrogance and prodigality.

As I placed the violin on my jaw and started bowing on its strings, I played the tune of gratitude. As if I am the sublimely proud owner of a RM380 violin.